Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in synergygirl's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, April 12th, 2007
6:44 pm	text message Je l'ai recu, je l'ai recu!!! C'est supercool, comme je travaillais et je pensais, c'est mon travaille (il me 'texte' aussi), mais non, c'etait toi! As-tu ecoute un cri de joi? Je vais demander si je peux te 'texter' aussi. Est ce que je peux avoir le mot juster pour 'texter'? (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 19th, 2007
4:33 am	R.I.P. I know you are coming, I see your shadowy figures breaking apart the sky to allow your presence. I feel you. This decision he made was not just about me, I know this. This decision was his final signing on the line in blood. And yet, God asked you--again and again and again---are you sure? And each time you said yes, and sank the knife blade into my white outfit again, staining it deeply with blood. I was merely the representational object for this event, this demon pact, was signed. By killing your love for me, by killing all the love we once had, by sacrificing me, you signed. And I shudder knowing the contract you signed. Not just a pact, a pact signable only upon shedding the blood of an innocent. And not any innocent, but someone you care deeply for, is a weighty contract indeed, and one whose gifts will never equal the price to be paid. And I stand mute. I never thought it would be you, never dreamed you could have done this. Never you. Never. And you killed me in public, in utter humiliation, for hours you killed me as people watched and looked at the erotic art. Still, I am given the solace of having never let it show. I shone that night, I was beauty and I strutted and sashayed like I never have before. I glowed. And you couldn't feign ignorance, could you? Couldn't escape from the result of your actions. A sea of black---me in pure white---you could not escape seeing me. Still you stabbed. At any moment you could have stopped. You didn't. With ever stab, you fell further from me into the beckoning darkness. And yet, when I drove home, the event finally done, the repercussions hitting me---you are now dead to me, I sobbed. I drove with help and I thank whoever got me home safe. I collapsed on the bathroom floor, sobbing, stricken. I still have yet to eat. And now you are dead to me. I hope and pray that it won't be forever, but five years? That's what God told me, five years. And then I received the if......."you should know there's a chance he won't come back." Justin killed himself knowingly, willfully and purposely. I don't think it would be that. I think we both know all the ways in which you would 'accidentally' kill yourself with a myriad of substances. My words mean nothing to you now, but still I will send them. I will send them because I love you and you need to know what that love has meant to me, what beauty you brought to my life. I will send them because I pray that you will return to me---having finally battled, fought and defeated the demons you have raged against your entire life. And now I speak to your beautiful shaman soul, you god-shard that is covering its face out of shame. Do you remember the necklace I bought you for Christmas? Beautiful silver and a white pearl? Or was it a moonstone? Keep it with you, keep it safe. It is filled with my love and is the only part of me you can take with you on your journey to the dark. Hide it, because forces will try to destroy it. God, grant him this one final gift, one of your favored sons, allow him to keep this. Let yourself go now, go as far as you can. But go to the bottom. Don't stop until you reach it. And don't think in moments of despair no bottom exists. It is there waiting for you with it's cold, it's hardess, it's very matter solidity. It is the cold bathroom tile when you've had too much to drink, the cool porcelain of the bathtub soothing your hot skin. Rest there and know you have attained the nadir. Now you can begin the road back. Don't opt out, I beg of you. I want to see you again, and I want to see you whole. Give me that promise, that from this you will return to me. Give me this one final gift. Give it to me as a testament to the love we shared. Don't die. When you arrive, years from now, to that dark, silent place at the bottom, completely and totally alone, at that moment you will remember my gift, my pearl. It will find you, being guided by my love, or you will find it, being guided by God's. Hold it close to you and let God back into your heart, let me back into your heart. Remember who you were when we were together,when everyone said you changed and blossomed. Don't stop there. Remember who you were before, before you were born, before your parents found you---remember who you were---then bring the shattered pieces together into something whole, and true and resonant with the harmony of the Universe. Become the self you have always been. Then, find me. Rebeca (Comment on this)
Monday, January 29th, 2007
9:05 pm	The saddest day of the year....with help from Emily Dickinson For Justin, on this, the day of your rebirth: Except the heaven had come so near, So seemed to choose my door, The distance would not haunt me so; I had not hoped before. But just to hear the grace depart I never thought to see, Afflicts me with a double loss; 'T is lost, and lost to me. _________________________________________ COMPENSATION For each ecstatic instant, We must an anguish pay In keen and quivering ratio To the ecstasy. For each beloved hour Sharp pittance of years Bitter contested farthings And coffers heaped with tears. _______________________________________________ CHOICE Of all the souls that stand create I have elected one. When sense from spirit files away, And subterfuge is done; When that which is and that which was Apart, intrinsic, stand, And this brief tragedy of flesh Is shifted like a sand; When figures show their royal front And mists are carved away,-- Behold the Atom I preferred To all the lists of clay! _____________________________________ If the rest of life is pain, if the moments until the breathe leaves my body are filled only with a hollow, empty blackness......I have been blessed. For the wound that will never truly heal and the pain that can never disappear, I would trade not one hour, not one moment. THE LOST JEWEL I held a jewel in my fingers And went to sleep. The day was warm and the winds were prosy; I said "T will keep." I woke and chid my honest fingers-- The gem was gone; And now an amethyst remembrance Is all I own. ___________________________________________________ But--oh!--to have been blessed to share as spouse one such as you. I lived a dream few can even imagine, let alone wake up to in reality. And on this, the chosen day of your Rebirth, let me thank you for all that I was blessed to have experienced with you. On this day, let us try not to mourn for ourselves too much. Rather, let us take control of our own destiny and decide what will truly allow us to live with all the space and beauty our souls and spirits require, in honor of the one who refused to see boundaries and allowed only possibilities. (Comment on this)
Monday, January 8th, 2007
8:51 pm	Let's talk about shame.... So I've been thinking about shame this evening. Shame is defined (at least by Wikipedia) as a psychological condition induced by the consciousness or awareness of dishonor, disgrace, or condemnation. Seems a bit like guilt, except with a bit more punch to it. Why do some people and entities get it when others apparently don't? Why does Shadow, my darling evil Venetian prince of an adolescent apparently lack the gene completely? He attacks not just my rolly polly fat cat Amelia when she is lazying around, but my precious Bast--an 80 year old gentlemen who wants nothing more than to lie on the warmth of my nethers after a long life of service marred by deep tragedy? Shadow understands english completly, comprehends each word I say to him, and yet looks me straight in the eye and doesn't give a whit. He feels no shame, only the fear of my wrath when I hear howls from the other cats and naked ambition. I, on the other hand, who thought I had broken myself of the castigation habit fell quite severely off the wagon recently after saying some utterly thoughtless thing to someone I not only care quite deeply about, but don't talk to anymore. So it's not like I can just call them up, say "wow, could I have been a bigger jerk?", apologize like I would with my other friends, discuss it, cry, maybe laugh a bit and generally end by getting the shame absolved by their forgiveness. And then---moving on----. No, it just sits there, festering. Ick. And here is the question: should it be absolved so easily? All of us have, at one point or another, brutally wounded some person completly unknowingly, let alone the (hopefully) rare times we do it with intent and malice. Is there a set amount of shame and guilt one should feel? Is there a rating system--2 points for calling you fat, 10 points for killing your dog? Can we ever feel enough to undo that damage caused? Is that the point of the shame, or is it some left over evolutionary device to keep us functioning as a group? Do we even know when it caused damage and when it didn't? When our shame means nothing to one person and our ignorance means everything to someone else? Contrition, apparently from a latin word meaning "crushed to pieces" is a pretty fair and accurate description of this emotion. It's contrition that led medieval monks to wear hair shirts and perform self flagellation of various kinds. It's St. Theresa of Avila decribing herself as a "lowly worm" compared to God. It's feeling such "sincere and complete remorse" that part of your spirit is willing to crawl on the dirt for miles to beg forgiveness. I guess I am curious about both these emotions and how they get so unbalanced in some people. My Super-Ego (in Freudian terminology), or moral compass, has always been a wee bit over-developed. I never stole anything in my life--ever--because I know the guilt would eat me from the inside. Others have no problem, feel no guilt whatsoever. And this is not to say that their actions are worth guilt, just to point out the difference in guilt between us. What does contrition bring and how should it best be expressed? Is it simply apologizing? Apologies are quick and cheap. Televangelists do them all the time after they've been caught doing meth with gay male hookers. But is it real? Or is it real only in the moment--to fade with the newspaper headlines? And how long precisely should that moment last? How does one know when one has reached the time of letting go of the aforementioned sin and shame? A short but true story....heard on a This American Life...... a young woman realizes her estranged father has most likely killed someone with his car. Dad leaves after wiping blood from his grill. She gathers her courage and tells the police what she knows. They ignore her completely. She feels immense guilt for years for this poor dead person. Then, 10 -15 years later, on a fluke, she reads the paper, sees the news and realizes the police have indeed locked someone up---an innocent man since she knows in her heart of hearts her father killed that person. An innocent man who has spent 10 odd years in prison. The woman again gathers her tattered courage and makes a campaign to the police, dredges out old evidence and ultimately her testimony achieves Justice, the man is released--a free man. The man and the woman are best of friends now. He makes her little sculptures out of popsicle sticks like he did in prison--they fill her house--- and calls her "my angel." She weeps, deeply and profoundly, almost in hysterics when she sees him, because she didn't do enough the first time, couldn't prevent this horrid thing from happening, couldnt get him out fast enough, doesnt deserve the title of "my angel." Other than making me out and out weep, I felt such love for this woman who had been torturing herself for so long, and continues to. She did what was required by law and more. Though her father was an utter failure--abusive, never there etc, not all of us would turn our own father in. And she doesnt blame the police--she blames herself. An innocent man got his life back, is immensely grateful to her, and still she cannot console herself. /He/ ends up consoling /her/ as she sobs, which, when one remembers that he was the one thrown unjustly in prison, is indeed profound. So there it is, I have no neat wrap up, because I dont think this can be wrapped up. Our souls and the governance of them is an individual matter between us and the Universe. Yet the bleeding of the soul can be felt not just by the individual but by every living creature in it, no matter how small the cry. What to do with that, I know not. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 26th, 2006
5:45 pm	new job I have now officially gotten what I requested in France. Over a time period of about 2 months I wrote a letter to the Universe officially requesting a specific type of employment when I returned from France. This took a lot of honing as initially I placed a lot of implicit instructions in it, making the Universe's job a wee bit harder. Kind of like asking for a lover, but ordering for him to be of a specific height, weight, with this kind of hair, this job and these color eyes. The Universe may be able to pull it off, but you will probably be waiting possibly indefinitely. It's more certain qualities you are looking for, after all, everyone knows what they definitely dont want and what they absolutely wont tolerate. For me that would be stupid men, men who arent spiritual, men who are racist. Any of those there means no long term potential. But what I do want....hmmm...not sure. And to think of it for a job represented me taking control of this part of my being, something heretofore never done. I am the queen of telling the universe to just bring me the type of job that I need at this point. The universe has officially given me the reins over my life so i had to decide. I wanted something to benefit humanity, something to work with death and with life (my twin gods), something that would be fairly financially rewarded and push me to greater growth, something with movement potential, that would not take up my entire life, something I would wake up to and be glad to work, not moan and complain. So these are a few, I burned the letter since while Santa has a mailbox the Universe (aka god/dess) doesnt. Hence, no copies were retained. Probably a good idea for the future. So you can imagine my consternation and, well, ok, fury, when my job returning from Michigan is Unival. People who gave me an offer so insulting initially that I cried on the couch and refused the offer, with my back up position at the comic store for under the table wages. Then when I got an acceptable offer, I realize after my boss puts in her notice after two months and just before two major projects begin that she hired her god damn replacement. Here we go again! Rebecca now doing the work of 2---wait 3 people (quality nurse never replaced) and working now a full 80 hours per week, still working at the comic store 2-3 Saturdays a month, eat, sleep and dreaming my job. Remove the eating because adrenalin is truly a marvelous thing making it possible to pretty much not eat and still go at it with those hours. And to the being who I know prevented my current job from coming in at that time ( I did interview with them spectacularly last year upon my return) and received my full astral rantings, thank you. While I didnt know it at the time, it culled any remaining desire to be a work aholic, take business trips and prepared me perfectly for this job. You have always treated me with respect no matter how much deliberate pain and agony you have done (those intricate scars in my soul are both beautiful and useful). I had a dream in the recent past where I almost got your true name but someone snatched it away. While I would prefer that, in lieu of such powerful knowledge can I at least have a name more fitting than the one I must currently use assuming we are to continue our acquaintance? Let's face it, while it may work for your him, it has always rung flat for me. Our relationship has been seperate from any I have had with him and one that you have for reasons I am unaware kept private from him much of the time. And if you are who I think you are, then my evolution can only be enhanced by our relationship and a more suitable name sorely necessary. So back to the less vague and ephemeral. My new job. Gift of Life, a nonprofit dealing with organ donation. I use entropy and prime to ensure doctors/nurses and hospitals do what they are required to do by law to ensure people have a chance to use death to foster life. Relationship building and constructive critique. Wow, such jobs exist? Yes, Virginia they do, along with a mandated 40 hour work week (I am technically hourly so anything over that is comp time), fair wage and lots of benefits. I even have a home office. And my efforts go to save lives and use times of pain and tragedy to reduce the pain and tragedy of other's lives. That is the nitty gritty of it and I just had my first week and will enjoy a nice long training period before they send me off into the world of my territory. I am nervous beyond comprehension at the potential of it all and thankful beyond belief as well. I enjoy this in my new apartment on the lake, just below Becky and Chad. Even Eleysium 2.0 is shaping up. I expect to add the final touch, a legitimate social life (considering I am going into a Hermit year in 2007) it may be a slow re-entry into that particular department. Dancing and contacts here I come! Thank you to the Universe and every entity who assisted getting me here. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 4th, 2006
7:22 pm	News from afar VIVRE bordel de merde parce que life sucks ok! OK, that is from my (former unfortunately) french roomate, the beautiful half french half english one slips into I heard from recently that made me smile. And smile when all I can say is wow! t'as raison! Work has taken more than a few shots at me lately, in the knee region (for as much as I saved their ass before kinda strange) leading me to march home, dust off the resume and make it bright and shiny again. I officially request of the Universe that I want a job more suiting of who I am and where I am going and what I want to be compensated! I think that job is Gift of Life, #2, make it so. (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 25th, 2006
8:16 pm	Past loves My transition into the Light has been a strange one, my Darkness sliding from me like so much mud in the rain. Lost and adrift I find I have no direct home, no club I can call my own. City Club used to welcome me, but the last time I went there I found I had to force myself to stay. The beginning of the darkness slipping away I guess. And still I miss it, that dark chasm of utter blackness I used to call home. It's just so very bright in here. Justin used to ridicule me and my penchant for playing and glorifying in all things icky, my penchant for discussing topics, thoughts, ideas and images that many, including many of the so-called goth would just kind of stare at me with a look of utter creeped-out-ness. Now that darkness is gone, it took a badge I never really acknowledged as a badge: a "true" goth, goth inside, from the dark side of the moon. Now I have no badge, I am certainly not a convert of the light. Light creeps me out far more than the worst demon. Worse yet, even when I come back to the darkness, it can never be my home again, so I am wistful, as I am for Elysium and France. And a Truth has been dawning upon me. A love I lost long ago, a love that has long wanted nothing to do with me, that long ago banished me to the realm of inexistence, and unimportance is, forever for the moment, truly lost to me. I can no longer access him nor feel his spirit,or the keeness of his absence. And this disturbs and pains me. I realize this is the side effect of being 51% light rather than 51% dark. Strange that part of me misses missing him, that yearing, that cellular, abstract expression of nothingsness congealed into matter tortured me yet I could not imagine living without it. It was a part of me that is fading ever more with each passing day and I know not what to do about it, save watch it go. I realize that everyone I truly loved, in the end, wanted nothing to do with me. It's a hard realization as I strove to act mature, be an adult, and honor love. Yet the facts must be faced that much as I tried, I obviously failed, and failed miserably. Dreams, visions and prophecies have come and gone and they give me solace. They tell me ones who have died have forgiven me. Isn't that all just conjecture though? Whispers we tell ourselves to get through the night? And isnt this bullshit? Some insane part of myself insisting on self-punishment, when the Truth of those dreams, visions and prophecies has always been self-evident. God/dess has shown him/herself to me so many times I can never doubt, not even a little, its a luxury I've not been afforded in years. But oh, the task of faith they have given me, appropriate only to me. And that is what faith is, to hold tight to that one thing that reason, friends, and the world insist is simply not true. So I am left alone. Bereft of even his Shadow. I am truly alone. A female companion, my opposite counterpart in Spirit has blessed me with her presence and for that I am truly grateful. I give thanks for those who kept with me, insane and half dead though I was in the time before France and before I left Elysium. Still, the departure of that One is a reminder, for now and for always, that I am Hermit and few will touch my core, evidently fewer still will want to remain there, fewer still have the ability. And it feels lonely in this space. And I know I will be here a very long time. (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 4th, 2006
12:33 pm	la belle france yesterday I began reading La Vagabonde by Collette, mainly because I havent read french in about 6 months and if I dont I will forget it completely. Yet I was enraptured completely and read for three hours, feeling the delicious words as they fell from my lips (I read aloud to try and maintain some little bit of the french). Entranced within that beautiful language. Which is saying alot because reading in another language is not easy, but grating and often hard if it is too far above your skills. Reminded me of the home I had for a beautiful, blissful year and then the next day my wonderful friend from France calls me! Oh joyous serendipity! and to hear true french from his mouth, a tonic I didnt know I even needed. And it pulled me in because of who the heroine is, a divorcee who finds herself completely and utterly alone, like myself. And the full realization of aloneness comes deep when everyone around you has or is settling down and doing that thing I already did (house, marriage etc). Part of me yearns for that, but the deeper part yearns to go further down the path that only appears to me, and it is covered in deep grass and no one can accompagny me as of yet. I have no choice really, never have. Still it gives me great pause and lonliness at times to see the full breadth and scope of who i am and where I am going. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 2nd, 2006
1:15 pm	the big change Aw hell! I turned around and the queen of darkness has become light! And the one who once was sunshine personified is now sporting dark shades and an ironic expression. Curses! Strange, very strange to find that people dont see me as dark anymore, in fact they kind of ridicule me when I even suggest it! So when I said I want to overcome dualities (darkness and light being one of them) the universe actually believed me. Hmph. It's like I have woken up in a parallel world. The queen of destruction actually building things? What has the world come to? Everything is the same but terribly different, my whole being I've known since forever has changed fundamentally so and I am a bit wierded out by it, to tell the truth. This transition, transformation has been occurring for a while now (about a year) but has only recently hit the nexxus point of no return. I related different to the world, the world and those in it relate differently to me........like being in someone else's skin. Lots of random thoughts jumbling out, but if you know me and my similarly named counterpart best friend, then it will all suddenly make sense. Aaaah, you'll be saying right about now. (B squared, or R squared) We've both just realized it and now that I have a cosmic moment (a whole week's worth in fact--whoo hoo!) the truth of it has caught up with me. I had been wondering what on earth was supporting me working 60-100 hours a week with eating pretty much nothing for 3 1/2 months. I guess it was all that cursed sunshine stealing up on me. (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 9th, 2006
11:10 pm	IT..... And the lord said: let Rebecca become IT girl. And it was done. And it was most impressive, and perhaps he could have allowed her a wee bit of sleep. But no time for sleep. Only time for Tennessee (I have seen hotel rooms in Nashville, Knoxville and now Memphis and not a hell of a lot else.), trainings and me finding new and inventive ways to try and salvage what is utterly damned to hell. I am not computer geek to to my friends, but I sure as hell am impressing myself and my trainer. If no one else. Kind of sad. And now I get to be the cliche of the world weary business traveler, working 12 -16 hours a day and jettin from one glamorous place to another. boy does it suck. Boy is this job draining more of my soul than i ever thought possible after three months. I think I liked the cliche of the divorcee jetting off to France much much much more. Ah well, brief break is over. Onward to go get all IT detective on my pda's ass. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 31st, 2005
12:19 pm	What does the future hold? My soul is feeling pretty expansive. I am blessed more and more with a strong sense of what is and isnt. Not that my Truth is anyone else's Truth or that it is the Ultimate Truth. No, it is more that having come through the wildnerness of my own design, and the desert of need, I emerge refreshed and renewed and carrying nothing that is not mine. Oh, to be sure there are issues, there are problems; there /always/ are. There are soul pangs that will not leave my soul, not even when the breath leave my body. But I am working to love with them, to love them and to relish the beauty their marks leave on my soul. To crawl into those spaces and feel the light, the love their pain leaves behind. For pain is a mark of love, is it not? Love degraded, love betrayed, love lost, love forlong, a long list and litany of some adjective describing that which happened to change the love. Doesnt matter in the end, for me at least, the whole of it is indescribably beautiful, and still, at the end, Love. I find I have not one but two teachers in my life now who refuse to leave me until the lesson is done, until those issues are resolved. One teaches me in physical pain, one instructs me in psychic. At times I have railed against them, now I try to simply see and not always react. I guess it is more a buoyancy, a freshness, and a relish in the Universe and all it presents. A wise woman once wrote "people think when you become 'enlightened' everything changes. Nothing changes. Nothing at all. You just have better tools to handle your emotions and situations. And you cannot get away with anything anymore, you always know when you are acting in ways you shouldn't." And as I begin the transition from (in tarot terminology) my Chariot Year, a year where soul preoccupations drive my actions, where who I am at the deepest level and where I am going have been exposed to me for all their brutal honesty, I head into a Justice Year. Justice is the card of my soulsister Becky, and something I have always previously approached in a bit of a pedantic and strident manner, full of the same fire and mistaken identity of a Christian soldier off on the Crusades, sure of himself and his mission. Only he finds caring and compassion at the hands of an enemy who lacks horns and a tail like he has always been told. In this moment one can go insane, one can simply ignore the facts seeking to puncture our long held belief structures. Or, one can go soft and weep softly for a truth that is now lost. One can simply see what is. I dont know what true Justice is, I cannot define it and am unsure if I have every truly seen it. I dont know what impact or bearing It will have on my life i this year, but my trepidation feels right. Now I feel like a battle worn soldier who weeps as the armor is put on, knowing what he will have to do. He weeps for himself and for his perceived enemy, who he knows is no different than he. He looks over at that other soldier and wishes he had his carefree, unblemished ideology, so firm in his belief, so sure. He knows it is not that simple. This soldier knows a secret; that the Truth and Justice all shift and change depending on who you are, what you are, where you are, when you are and how you are. And if it shifts so, how can there be only One? How would you know? How do you recognize it? So in this moment he puts on grim determination. He puts on compassion. He puts on Acceptance. And he goes forth, and hopes he has the Wisdom, in that moment when the sword flashes, to truly Know if his action is right. Or if it is flawed. And live with the full consequence either way. Happy New Year everyone, may your own truth and wisdom shine in the next year. May the grace of the world give you compassion for all the demons that exist within and around us. May you realize the power of true respect for all that exists. May you find your way back to me. And on that last line....do I mean to me personally? Or do I mean to me as divinity, as the divinity that is us all? I leave that for you to decide. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 28th, 2005
8:36 pm	So help me god if I meet one more person I am attracted to, is fairly evidently attracted to me, but has some female encumbrance hanging off of one variety or another, I will scream! How often do I click with men? Not all that often, that Rebecca wierdness doesnt always lend itself to finding chemistry. Just darn frustrating for a girl with a hankering for a boy toy. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
10:30 pm	I am the Sandman. Yeah baby, that dont feel random. And here I go to meet myself....... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
10:29 pm	Random Image Which Random Image are you? Name: Age: Favorite Color You are: This QuickKwiz by Reaper - Taken 560637 Times. </a> Earn Money! Get paid to take surveys! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 17th, 2005
6:52 pm	Happy birthday my beloved. May the wings that eluded you here on earth be yours as long as you so desire wherever you are now. I miss our talks, I miss running and romping through fields of arcane possibilities. I miss you. I hope you are at peace, I hope you are finally happy. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 16th, 2005
5:42 am	yet it gets better... Oh and did I mention I am slowly but surely losing complete strength and range of motion in my thumbs, first fingers and pinkies? That the pain is waking me up at night? That most of the time, even if I /wanted/ to "raise my furry fists in outrage" I just can't?! (that whole righteously making a fist thing I mean). Joy upon joy! I am apparently regressing to a pre-mammalian state where thumbs and fingers were optional. Cool. Maybe I at last will become a fish or sea dwelling creature of some sort and just dive into the ocean, never to return again. Lauging at the air breathers the rest of my days. Ya think I'm kidding dont you? Nope, I would do the opposite of Ariel, give me fins and I am out of here. In a millisecond. (Comment on this)
5:17 am	Yea---oh man! So I got a job offer. I should be more excited. Perhaps its that I will be working at a for-profit, which I dont want, and was somehow offered less than what I was making at my previous employment (less enough that I am shocked and disappointed). While I didnt tell them what I wanted to make, I did tell them what I made, and um, general rule is ya wanna go up, not down. And damn it, isnt that what for-profits are for? sell soul, get money? Now having pretty much no options and quite a strong desire to buy real fruits and vegetables occasionally, I will probably have to take it, but i did ask for the "day to think about it." And when asked why that was needed, was honest with the above assessment (in a nice professional manner) and was told that info would be passed onto the finance person. so maybe I will get a reply with a bump up tomorrow. Worse case I thought I'd be making what I /was/ making, so, yeah, while I want to be doing cartwheels, I kinda wanna cry. And yes, I know the job market is bad, I am being a baby, whatever. Dont care at this moment. All I know is I came back to this country hoping to do lots of good. Now I cannot get the jobs I want to do good, so I have to settle for something in an area I dont want, to be paid less for just as much responsibility and far more dire consequences if I f--- up. In other words, in pretty much most ways, coming back to this country has, lets just say not been welcoming. Seeing friends and family has been the saving grace, but otherwise, not real thrilled thus far. Did anything change at all or did I just spend my frigging retirement for nothing? Kinda feel like the Universe dumped my ass hard on this one---kept blathering on and on about cooperatively making a path together with my own desires in mind, gets my hopes up and then lets me know I can kindly f--- the hell off, what I want has no bearing whatsoever. (so why the f--- did you ask me again? HUH?!!!) And yes, I will be better tomorrow or the next day. But for now I am not, so if you are thinking of reminding me of ANYTHING sucky going on ANYWHERE ELSE that should remind me of HOW VERY LUCKY I am, keep it to yourself or I may just throw a knife at your head. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 13th, 2005
4:01 pm	Great song lyric "your kisses taste like Mexican candy." mmmm....sugary, slightly spicey, perhaps chocolatey as well? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 8th, 2005
7:36 pm	need sex, need sex, need need sex Even in my dreams I cannot get laid. Kind of sad, non? I'm about ready to pounce on the next passerby that looks attractive. Course I work in a comic book store, so that'll take a while. Cursed sex drive kicking in....is it asking that much just for a hot sex toy? No relationship needed, just hot wanton sex. But i do need to scrape my fingernails on the ceiling, so keep that in mind. And yeah, gotten in touch with a few of those more carnal desires so while I dont need full on freak, a bit more kinky would suite me just fine. A personal replay of 9 1/2 weeks would be grand. lots more bondage though, never enough bondage. And spanking, gotta have that spanking. Feeling like I want to explore every possible sexual feeling....Feeling frisky, feeling naughty, feeling like I wanna tweak someone's nipples just so they'll chase after me and I can have some fun. Feeling like I wannt sink my teeth into someone's delicious neck. Oooh boy do i love necks. And biting, mmmm, nibbling succulent flesh. One day I will have a hot sexy toy on an island and no one coming for days, and we can bite each other and not worry about stupid things like marks. cursed bruising easily! So much easier to do with my delicate pale ass skin. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 20th, 2005
9:41 am	Random thoughts.... Had a dream where when someone asked me something to the effect of, how am I, what am i doing etc. I replied "I am experiencing the state of poverty to increase my compassion. When I am done learning this state, I will leave it." Well, alrighty then! And I have to say that while I had experienced a type of poverty before, the deeper kind I am living in now has concomitant feelings that I didnt simply have access to before. And from this root I can see the devestating patterns that potentially grow from it, such as violence, crime and abuse. It is a hard gift, but a gift nonetheless. I already have my blackbelt in compassion with physical pain (and for some reason part of me has decided to return for my 3rd degree blackbelt in pain. Why I've no idea, but I imagine all will be revealed at some later date.) My deepest desire has always been to help people, but I hold the word bodhisattva very strictly and would never call myself that. It has been used too loosely in my opinion. So I will just call myself a humble servant trying to clean up my corner of the world. And I am thankful this enables me to connect with some of the worlds deeper pain. Perhaps I can transform some of it as I transform my own. (Comment on this)